cutting ties

I'm letting go of you. I'll keep your gentle nature in mind, and the intimate details will always be dear to me.

but its been too much, I have too many scars...but now I've healed them, on my own, without you...and with god. I'm happy and independent. I control me. Happiness is a choice and I've made it.

this is a new beginning, a fresh breath...a freezing of the lungs and a burning of the spirit.


Ive let go.

id rather do without.

One of the major reasons I came here was to experience - my own family. Ive never had them around for every holiday or to celebrate small things like birthdays...never had the support of 6 or more people behind a decision ive made, seen them proud of me...

but what do I come to? Drama. and I would rather to without.

My uncle decided to cut off all ties to my grandmother. Which means that we dont get to see Emily, George or anyone else on that side of the family. So its gonna be me on christmas. Me and my "I just hate christmas" grandmother. and my alchie uncle (who has more love in his little finger, than rock has in his whole body)


I'd rather be back with my dad with our paper plates in front of the TV.

Oh, the holidays...

Ive gotten a few things for people! I think ive done well. I LOVE giving presents. The reactions make my day. I still dont know what to get Daddy. I miss him alot.
I think my mom is in mexico but im not sure, she doesnt speak to me afterall. lol. Daddy asked me the other day if this had been going on since I decided to move to Ada...and I have to tell him that I cant really put my finger on when it started. If i had to guess I would say my sophmore year of highschool. right around the time that I stopped being optimistic about her drinking.

BUT, lets be happy.





you know who you are-

I miss you so terribly bad, but I cant trust my feelings. There are so many reasons why I should never speak to you again...and the same amount of reasons with the same intensity to prove why I should trust that our relationship will continue to burn at the embers and give off heat for years to come.

I have so much to give. I GAVE so much...but it you took it for granted. You thought I would never leave. Well I have and it wasnt meant to hurt you but I cant deny that it was time to be done for awhile.

Im at an un familiar spot right now, and I hope if you read this that you will understand and take it inside of you and empathize with my situation. I'm in a place where I have one foot in the past (with you) and one foot in the now....and a single push either way could send me head first into either. Im not gonna lie, I wouldnt mind something new and exciting, something different and yet meaningful as well. I wouldnt mind the electricity of a new touch, or the warmth of a ear on another's heart. I know I cant handle something long distance, it would ruin things for sure. The futures on a tightrope and I feel like we both need to back up before things get too much for the both of us. I came here to exprience new people and new things, new ideals and a slower culture.

understand that you can be two places at once, only in your heart is this possible.

1 day on medifast

Doing pretty good! Kristina said the first four days would be the hardest. I think I believe her! haha.

I never realized how much i was eating out of habit. I go to the cabinet and see whats in there straight out of habit. well . im breaking it!!! no diabetes for me :D

I knew I wouldnt keep up with this thing. Im about to FREAK out over finals

I have had nothing to say. How terrible is that?!?

We are a generation unlike any other. We have been raised to use technology, even to depend on it, and definitely to keep up with its advances. We've been raised in a society (at least outside of Oklahoma) that encourages tolerance, political correctness or "sensitivity", we are encouraged to stand up and speak for ourselves and to come together in ideas to make a difference. Our generation was raised by another great generation..in 1964 our parents, at the around the age of 17 were the largest part of the population..We would not be what we are if our parent's had not been the ones protesting Vietnam and taking freedom rides into the south, risking lives for equality with the SDS and the ones taking part in the counter culture. As much of a basic idea as it is, the ideal of "Peace" and "Free Love" that our parents tried to convey has succeeded in our generation. Yes, we are in the middle of a war...but is OUR generation happy about that? Did we not bring the first black president into office, a democrat who promises to "bring our boys home". Are we not another generation that our elders call "no good" and have no faith in? Ironically, these elders are the ones who brought forth the liberal ideals...and now they complain.

But, point is...I hope that my generation is a memorable one. We are the ones who will be faced with a legacy of debt that has effected social security, and we are the ones who have to support the baby boomers who have been paying ss their whole lives. We are also faces with the environmental issues and are responsible for finding new recources and stopping the waste of our country. We may quite literally have to "save the world."

So I wonder what advances..moral, political, and environmental we will have impressed upon the next generation?