id rather do without.

One of the major reasons I came here was to experience - my own family. Ive never had them around for every holiday or to celebrate small things like birthdays...never had the support of 6 or more people behind a decision ive made, seen them proud of me...

but what do I come to? Drama. and I would rather to without.

My uncle decided to cut off all ties to my grandmother. Which means that we dont get to see Emily, George or anyone else on that side of the family. So its gonna be me on christmas. Me and my "I just hate christmas" grandmother. and my alchie uncle (who has more love in his little finger, than rock has in his whole body)


I'd rather be back with my dad with our paper plates in front of the TV.

Oh, the holidays...

Ive gotten a few things for people! I think ive done well. I LOVE giving presents. The reactions make my day. I still dont know what to get Daddy. I miss him alot.
I think my mom is in mexico but im not sure, she doesnt speak to me afterall. lol. Daddy asked me the other day if this had been going on since I decided to move to Ada...and I have to tell him that I cant really put my finger on when it started. If i had to guess I would say my sophmore year of highschool. right around the time that I stopped being optimistic about her drinking.

BUT, lets be happy.





you know who you are-

I miss you so terribly bad, but I cant trust my feelings. There are so many reasons why I should never speak to you again...and the same amount of reasons with the same intensity to prove why I should trust that our relationship will continue to burn at the embers and give off heat for years to come.

I have so much to give. I GAVE so much...but it you took it for granted. You thought I would never leave. Well I have and it wasnt meant to hurt you but I cant deny that it was time to be done for awhile.

Im at an un familiar spot right now, and I hope if you read this that you will understand and take it inside of you and empathize with my situation. I'm in a place where I have one foot in the past (with you) and one foot in the now....and a single push either way could send me head first into either. Im not gonna lie, I wouldnt mind something new and exciting, something different and yet meaningful as well. I wouldnt mind the electricity of a new touch, or the warmth of a ear on another's heart. I know I cant handle something long distance, it would ruin things for sure. The futures on a tightrope and I feel like we both need to back up before things get too much for the both of us. I came here to exprience new people and new things, new ideals and a slower culture.

understand that you can be two places at once, only in your heart is this possible.

1 day on medifast

Doing pretty good! Kristina said the first four days would be the hardest. I think I believe her! haha.

I never realized how much i was eating out of habit. I go to the cabinet and see whats in there straight out of habit. well . im breaking it!!! no diabetes for me :D

I knew I wouldnt keep up with this thing. Im about to FREAK out over finals

I have had nothing to say. How terrible is that?!?

We are a generation unlike any other. We have been raised to use technology, even to depend on it, and definitely to keep up with its advances. We've been raised in a society (at least outside of Oklahoma) that encourages tolerance, political correctness or "sensitivity", we are encouraged to stand up and speak for ourselves and to come together in ideas to make a difference. Our generation was raised by another great generation..in 1964 our parents, at the around the age of 17 were the largest part of the population..We would not be what we are if our parent's had not been the ones protesting Vietnam and taking freedom rides into the south, risking lives for equality with the SDS and the ones taking part in the counter culture. As much of a basic idea as it is, the ideal of "Peace" and "Free Love" that our parents tried to convey has succeeded in our generation. Yes, we are in the middle of a war...but is OUR generation happy about that? Did we not bring the first black president into office, a democrat who promises to "bring our boys home". Are we not another generation that our elders call "no good" and have no faith in? Ironically, these elders are the ones who brought forth the liberal ideals...and now they complain.

But, point is...I hope that my generation is a memorable one. We are the ones who will be faced with a legacy of debt that has effected social security, and we are the ones who have to support the baby boomers who have been paying ss their whole lives. We are also faces with the environmental issues and are responsible for finding new recources and stopping the waste of our country. We may quite literally have to "save the world."

So I wonder what advances..moral, political, and environmental we will have impressed upon the next generation?

The end of semester stresses me out way more than it eases my mind. My tests have ranged from d's-a's some all in one class so I have NO IDEA what to expect. stresssssss.

ooooooooo-klahoma.

Dear Oklahoma,

So you know Im new here and I'm not used to the cold and BONE CHILLING wind...and I was just wondering if it was possible to keep the wind chill down to a level where I CANT feel my nipples tightening up into little diamonds that clearly protrude from my tshirt. I know im being stubborn here..by refusing to wear real shoes and an actual jacket...but you gotta love my moxie, right? Plus Im totally refusing to spend 50 bucks on an imax bra from victoria secret just to have something thicker for the winter...thats ridiculous.

K thanks :)

thanks!-giving.

Oh Lordy, I had the best Thanksgiving of my life this year :D The whole family (all eleven of us! lol) was there and Mammy was in a great mood! She even danced with me to the peanut butter jelly song! Emily and Anastasia and I had some girl-talk (which w/ a 13 and 15 yr old consists of boys, boys,boys and self esteem. lol!) in the jacuzzi while staring at the stars. We watched about two seasons of the office as a family too!!! I text Momo last night and we hashed out new moon (which despite my views on the mormon brainwashing of it all...I have to admit I love ALL the men in that movie.)and Im super happy that things are turning around for her. Its time her and I do some wedding planning since we know its come SOONER or later ;)
Daddy took me up around the farm and we finally found "The rock pile" which is so so cool because theres some flat grass just big enough for like one ginormous tent or two medium ones. and a place for a fire and the rocks all serve as benches. plus its back in this grove which makes it super cozy. THEN!!! I saw deer butt. Just hopping through the woods. It may seem silly to people who are used to the country but I was downright excited!!!!
I also got to see this bend in the stream that turns into a little wading pool and its blue and green water makes it look beachy, we saw it from a ledge thats totally covered with cushy leaves and is really secluded so I may have to pull out one of the old journals and go do some writing out there overlooking the stream. It also looks really "perfect fall scene" out there and I'd love to shoot some portraits out there and I have no model. Maybe Emmy (im a fan of nicknames) (and parenthesis) will venture out there with me =) I need to start spending more time and appreciating both my cousins more! Marissa and Emily havent even met! and were all related! anyway...they are the two biggest sweethearts I know and I need girltime bc Ive been super serious and stressed (bitchy?) lately which isnt my style at all!

I played with Layla in the back yard forever and then we snuggled :D
....I also did some Christmas shopping!!! I love love love Christmas! Maybe spending it with the Eaves this year! ♥

SO..This Thanksgiving Im thankful for:

1.) family - which I'm just getting used to having around and I can finally feel that hole in my chest closing.

2.)friends - new and old! Ive met some crazy amazing people since Ive moved here and Im sure Im not making as big of an impact as they are on my life so im super greatful. I really miss Meagan and I wish we still spoke to Nikki but she has just kicked us out and then kicked us out again, anyway Meagan doesnt let people in very easily and im so blessed that I get to be one of the few who are close to her. She's as close to a real sister as I will ever have. She's known me better that alot of my own family has...and I know its the same for her. I cant wait for her to get pregnant and to be a godmother :D

3.) New opportunities. - What's there to lose?



4.) Self-exploration. - nobody knows me here. Im am..not who, but HOW...I show you I am. Ive learned that as warm and compassionate and patient as I thought I was...I could do better. Why is it that Im so reluctant to except love from people who HAVE to love me? Ive always been closer to people who choose to. I really want to turn that around. Daddy and Meagan are the only people I actually feel related to. I'm having to tear down my own walls..walls of circumstance and nature vs nurture. Ive been away from family for so long and YEARNED to have one...spent years wishing there were more people who just KNEW me and my history and my personality, and ive been so so scared, my whole life that I would never get the chance to be close to the people that i actually share blood with. so Im gonna make the best of it...especially with Mammy...as much as she pushes me away and as much as i complain about her sometimes...I feel for her.

5.)this blog! - its been nice getting things out again. I stopped for a long long time and I dont know why.

25 random things about Me.

Since its not Facebook I cant really tag anyone.

1.) Ive never gotten flowers from someone I was happy to have received them from.

2.) My Dad and I have the same exact nose.

3.) I'm an expert at never scorching the popcorn.

4.) My step-father loves me more than my Mother does.

5.)Im super picky about rings bc I feel like I have fat fingers.

6.) Im the least high-maintenance person I know. In attitude as well as outwardly.

7.) I'm afraid that when my Dad dies that I'm going to go into shell shock. There will be no net to catch me when I fall anymore. No one who's opinion I can truly trust like his. Im scared im literally going to go crazy.

8.) Im way smarter than people give me credit for. I could be on the Deans list if I decided to put forth the effort.

9.) I believe in ghosts, dreams, demons, spirits, ju-ju, animal powers, karma, the power of 3....and Jesus.

10.) I know exactly what I want in a man... "cant help it" kindness, patience, strength of will, work ethic, faith (to me and in self and in god), strength of character, someone who can be quiet and can talk, someone with an "open arms" kind of family. (I hated knowing someones family member didn't like me). Someone who is kind to animals. Intelligence.

11.) Im more religious then I let on. I may not like the "social graces" of church, but I wish I could find one.

12.) I hate it when people push religion, even if its my own.

13.)I love the smell of REAL dried lavender flowers.

14.) I want to see Italy, France, Barcelona, Ireland, NYC, Washington D.C., Alaska, Brazil, HI, Scotland, Russia, New Zealand, Australia, and many many other places. Someday I hope I have the money to see all these places.

15.) I wish I could spend 2 weeks camping in Millersylvania, WA every summer.

16.) Ive lived in Ada,OK..Port Angeles, WA...Reno, NV...Globe, AZ..Tempe/Scottsdale, AZ...and Ada again.

17.) I LOVE the lumberjack look...but only If you can rock it.

18.) I have a girl crush on Natalie Portman, Kate Hudson, and Ashley Judd.

19.) I want to do my graduate studies somewhere Ive never lived before.

20.) I fall asleep on my belly and wake up on my back. Every night.

21.) I'm empathetic and caring to people as soon as Ive known them for more then like 3 days. My heart is way too big for my own good. If you need me, Im here.

22.) I have a black/eskimo stepsister who is adopted, I have a Native American stepsister who is adopted, a Native American stepbrother who isnt adopted and 12 step nieces and nephews. They are all deeply into their tribes culture and thats why I have a hard time seeing every blonde hair - blue eyes- merecedes driving WHITE GIRL get tribal benefits.

23.) Im very stubborn, but I'm not unreasonable.

24.) Ive been using the same facewash since I was a sophmore in highschool. My friends, cousins, and ex now use it as well. I think i'll die if it ever goes out of production.

25.) Sometimes I feel like my ex is the only person who will ever think I'm beautiful.

long day.

I miss you way more than I should. I miss digging my face into your neck, feeling your pulse against my forehead. The mornings that you had early class and I didnt go to work til 9...I can still hear the shower running and the soft yellow light from under the door. Id stretch one leg over to your side of the bed, testing the water to see if it was still warm. If it was, you had just gotten in and I could sleep for 15 more minutes while using the full size of our bed. If it was cool you would be getting out soon and you would sit next to me (id pretend to be alseep) and you would kiss me and I would take in the smell of your body wash, cologne. Id groan "awake" and make you stay a few moments longer. Im sure you knew I wasnt asleep.

My grandma is a stone cold bitch. Why didn't I ever mind living so far away from family? Because she treats ever single one of us like shit.

Why i take such huge stock in dreams....
this is an add on to the post about my cousin and I's conversation about my grandpa.

she told me a few days after he died that she had a dream that he was sitting in his favorite chair and she walked up to him and touched his arms (she used to scratch his arms and make him bleed when she was little) and she said his skin felt so real. Which instantly gave me shivers because to this day I can feel his calloused hands and his rough skin on his arms, i can see the sunspots and freckles...i can imagine his skin tone and the thinning of his arm hair as he aged.
but what really got me was that i had dreamt of him as well on or around the same night.
He walked in the front door and was whole again. He was barrel chested with a belly and broad shoulders to match. He had on a striped button down and slacks. He said that "they" had decided to let him come visit and then he sat down next to me and put me under his arm and i leaned against him, playing with the pens and hair comb in his pocket like i did when i was young and he was real. I know with unwavering certainty.

may seem silly.

I took my first call at work the other day! I was so so anxious. Freaked out an nervous! She told me I didnt have to , but in typical Kelsey fashion I decided id rather dive in head first and get it out of the way. Well...first bitch hung up on me...second got transfered...third was a pleasant old man. Kristina (who was supervising me) laughed after the girl hung up on me and says "see not so bad"...God didnt want you to be on that call, he knew you were nervous! Which in the moment gave me the most calming sensation I could have imagined. May seem silly to someone else...but its small moments like that one that keep my faith alive.

it comes up from time to time.

I took my little cousin out to dinner tonight. For some reason we got into some pretty deep subjects. She asked me about sex and all that it entails..emotionally and physically. I tried to be as honest as I could with her. I feel like she deserves that. Her parents keep her very sheltered and at times I feel like thats doing her a dishonor. We also talked future life goals and how she wants to be a cosmetologist, which I have to admit fits her perfectly because she is so friendly and talkative. She is so so very bright and sweet natured. She doesnt have a cynical bone in her body.
We eventually got on the subject of papa. Which I know I've gone over but he always weighs heavily on our minds when its the holidays. I guess I never really asked Emily how she felt about his passing. I assumed she felt the same as I did,nt I realize now that she was only nine and didnt know him very well. She says she wishes she could have gotten to know him better, that she feels like she missed out on a good person. I didnt know what to say for the first time in my life. I told her he was the most amazing person Ive ever known and that he's my role model for what I'm looking for. I told her sometimes I feel like I could have talked to him more about things and that i feel guilty about the grave. She told me when she went that she cried for hours. The day before highschool this year, she cried for hours. I told her about "our birthday" and I started crying. I looked over at her in the passenger seat and realized she was shaking and shivering because she was crying so violently. I unhooked her seatbelt and mine and I grabbed her in my arms and made her breath when she was too upset to remember how. She hurts for her little brother George as well.
I remember playing some game we had made up with George after the funeral when he was five, when we were alone I asked him if he missed papa and he said "kind of" which made me sad for him because I knew he would never understand why there's such a huge scar in the skin of our family. It meant he would never remember when Thanksgiving actually felt like Thanksgiving.

Christmas list!!! oh yes.

http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=32718500




http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=34946162


http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?ref=vl_other_1&listing_id=34907696




http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=34886349



http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=34706363



http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=33633751

Blogging from my cell phone at work may be the highlight of my afternoon seeing as i didnt get out of bed til noon. Big warm blankets and 3 fluffy pillows makes it was to hard to get out of bed...and freezeing cold weather plus a speech teacher i despise makes it was too easy to stay home.
. So i have this mole on the back of my head that im pretty sure im gonna have to get tested to see if its malignant. Which weve had it checked before and they said that they had never seen anything like it and that i needed to go to a specialist. Well i think the idea freaked daddy out because he said that if it wasnt obviously dangerous than we werent going to talk about it anymore.
. So im going to try and convince him to let me get it tested because now is hard and its gotten bigger and i cant see what checking it out would harm! Plus cancer runs in both sides of my family and i just dont want to risk it!.
but it does leave me wondering who would come see me in the hospital if they have to dig into the back of my head to remove the little guy. Or if the worse were to come out of it and i actually had cancer....But i dont think thats very likely.

...maybe the brother or sister i always wanted is just growing out of the back of my head. :D

I really don't know what I have to say but I have the urge to write something. this will end up random thoughts and then (knowing my luck) will be mistakenly deleted.



....I emailed Mama..asking if I should try and come out for Christmas/New years and she wont answer me. Keeps dodging the question. So I text Bill and all he said was "get ready to start writing those letters"...which I think means that they are going to try another rehab attempt, but I wish he would just freaking tell me instead of being all mysterious. He's trying to find a loop hole way of talking to me without her getting mad. A piece of me wants to be there is this happens, see if I can break through to her and we can stop all of this fake bullshit. The one time I tried to call her out on everything and I totally said everything I had to, I even confessed the totally illogical fear to her that Ive never called her out bc I was literally afraid she would stop loving me and cut me out of her life...all she had to do was tell me how bad of a daughter I am.

Every once in awhile she just weighs on my mind and I cant think of anything else. I wish she could just love herself. She has this whole personality of wanting to be seen as strong and a tough chick and even tries to dress and walk like she doesn't give a shit about what anyone thinks, but she DOES...she cares a bunch! She's the most fearful of rejection and of being overlooked as anything I've ever seen. She cries at the drop of a hat and beats herself up constantly...but If she just had the tiniest bit of confidence...I don't know....She makes up these ridiculous stories too about things shes done...like riding in the box of a train all the way to Dallas...and she tries to allude to my Dad hitting her. Which I KNOW he never ever ever did!! He still loves the woman he married, she just doesn't exist anymore and he's stuck in love with someone who never died but isn't real. She's totally irresponsible and...

I don't think I should get into it again. Makes for an awkwardly personal blog and Ive already gone over this.


Another random subject:

Everyone I freaking know is getting married. My two best friends got married before they turned 21. Which I love and Support one of the marriages and the other is a different story....but I feel like people my age are getting married SO SO early, especially in Ada. It seems like people wont do the work that it takes with getting married so early though. Growing up without growing apart....sticking through things and NEVER making a divorce an option. You can't marry someone hoping they'll change..that's what Daddy always drives into my head. There's this phenomenon of turning 26 and marrying whoever your with. I hate that. I hate hearing it from my grandmother and my dad already talking about kids!!! WTF?!?! Anyway...I decided against doing any of the above a long long time ago. I'm willing to wait for something genuine no matter how long it takes. Maybe this is an odd way to explain what I want...but love, to me, at least what I've experienced...wasn't all butterflies and sweaty palms. I could look at him and there were times I could feel what he was feeling just by reading the look on his face. I respected him, and that was the base that loving him grew out of. I could think of the CORE of who he was and respect and love who he was, what he believed, the way he reacts in different situations and the way he was raised. It was a very logical way that I loved him. That's the way I think love should feel. I decided along time ago my wedding was not going to be anything but what that other person and I wanted. I plan on being barefoot..but never ever on a beach... I plan on being outside. I plan on lots of paper lanterns, luminaries, candles and the worlds most amazing soundtrack without ONE single cliche...I don't even want the bridal march. Simple. Get down to what really matters. No spending a house payment!!


I am very happy for Meagan and her marriage though. I love the fact that I can remember being fourteen and giggling about him in the hallway with her...and the fact that they never even dated super seriously before getting married. Things turned out so so right for her in a situation that works out terrible for others and I'm so happy for her and I can't WAIT for her to get pregnant. She's already asked me to be godmother...if anything should ever happen to them that child is mine, just as much as if it came from me. I had no hesitation in telling her this. I miss that girl more than anyone can imagine.


A Washington trip is in order very very soon. I cant feel it in my bones. Hopefully this summer so that we can go straight from the airport to Millersylvania. I think that was my favorite trip ever. I love that place so so much. People are different there, just different. I can feel the land in my core, I could never be as happy and in totally deep "peace be still" mode as I am when I simply take a deep breath in the middle of that mossy forest.






One more thought...

I miss going to church. I wish I could find a place that was simple and gave me the straightforward lesson and let me think about what I wanted to take home from it. I miss feeling connected to God and taken care of by him, I miss a sense of community in church life.

so exhausted....clean sheets and blankets....fighting to keep my eyes open...a little lonely, not gonna lie.

favorite picture.

Mushaboom (Postal Service Remix) - Feist

best thing since sliced bread. FOR REAL

Cant wait.

Back to brown! Never ever ever going back to blond!!! The first two boxes of brown (yes TWO, I have A LOT of hair...like per square inch and stuff) well it settled into a very nice deep deep burgundy...but alas my roots were rose colored and I had missed some spots in the back..SO I took my third box and righted the wrongs! Now my dark dark, shiny, healthy brown is back and I couldn't be happier! What was I thinking?? Now seeing as its almost 3:00 am and I have a big day (or evening rather) tomorrow...I'm going to bed! YAY for camping!!!!! YAY for campfires!!!

I have to say really quickly, that my absolute favorite part of camping is the late of the night when everything is settled and I get to be the last to hold out on the fire. There isn't a moment in time that I am happier and more comfortable and in tune with everything around me then when I can stare into the coals of the fire..deep in thought and making shapes in my mind out of the embers. I'm simultaneously in my own mind and listening to the people around me. I appreciate the personalities of those I am around so much when the mood is right..but I hope they can feel it more than me having to say it. The second time I enjoy the most is when I get to be the first two wake up. I get to start the fire all by myself...wander off to pee without anyone seeing...(which is always a luxury)...and then come back to sit by my lonesome for awhile...always I love to reflect in these moments, but secretly im always excited when the first person starts to rustle around and make their way out of the tent...these moments are some of the very few that my guard is completely down, and some of the few moments that I am totally comfortable in my own skin. Its crazy what nature can do to you, eh?

FLIP FLOPPER!

Cant decide whether do get one more round of blonde...or to go back to brown!!! hmmmmm.
but...I'll tell ya I wish my eyebrows werent so thin these days! geeeeeeez.

just cant get enough of this man....

I have to run to work, ive been trying to post everyday and I didnt get to yesterday....it seems like when I have a lapse in something just ONE time,

I have a hard time sticking with it...but im really gonna try to keep up with this thing bc its been very very therapeutic (sp?) lately.

anyway...I LOVE LOVE LOVE Ray Lamontagne...the prettiest voice Ive ever heard (Im not a fan of most female music, besides Ms.Spektor that is.) and I espcially love when he takes a strike at us with some classical music involved

I didnt post an example of that, but I will Im sure.

anyway...ill update from work. :D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D

insomnia is getting old...

Ode to the Leo's mane

slicked back, wet, smooth, and sudsy...

my hair is so heavy when filled with water.

It's thick, between my hands as I fling the water aside.

Ode to the Maximus that guides a steady stream that starts at my scalp,

over shoulders...down my spine and over and over and over,

tickling my feet, and I enjoy the heat,

that steams my new friends found on my instep.

Ode to the dip, between rib and hip,

you know just how to make me feel wanted.

Caress [tread] lightly, my skin though ivory is always warm.

beauty marks trace up and down my legs, up to the navel and over clavicle,

count them on my chest, neck, cheek, lips, and brow.

:D

I wish I had somebody here who already knows everything I'm about to write. Its so frustrating not to have anyone who knows me around. Not even my family, which is terrible. I wish so badly that I had a closer family. People who know how and why I am the way I am. People who I can confide in without having to tell a back story. I stand outside other's family moments all the time. Thanksgiving with a friend's family. Christmas at a boyfriend's. I'm always welcome but I'll never be family..and that's understandable. I feel like a stray kitten sometimes....people do their best to take care of me but don't know where to start because they don't know what I need.

but thats depressing so anyway -----

Ten Best things about today/ no makeup November...

1.) As heartbreaking as it is...Layla has found a new home. She's sleeping inside tonight and thats what I want most for her.

2.) When its no makeup november and someone tell you your pretty...you know they mean YOU....not your long eyelashes or your bronzed cheeks....its you, the way you wake up next to someone...the way that you SHOULD feel best.

3.) No makeup November is also No shave November...which for some reason is a phenomenon around here...but I'm not gonna complain because there's like four guys in each of my classes that now have beards and look like burly lumberjacks...and I have a thing for lumberjacks. Can't help it. I'm a freak, I know.

4.) I think I've lost a little weight!!! ....of course wearing a sports bra and pajama pants half the day helps you to feel that way, but I'll TAKE IT!

5.) Weekend plans are in the making for a little campfire/camp out. WHICH...I will be on that farm...with a fire...and a shit-load of blankets even if I go by my freaking self. (but then ill probably end up too creep-ed out and stay at my uncles across the road. because I no longer have a freaking dog.)

6.) I bought the most amazing candle...called woodwick candles...it has a wick, of wood. but it sounds like a crackling fire which makes me nightly routine about eighty times more amazing.

7.) My friend Jesseka is considering moving out here. She's my bff from EAC. She is the quirkiest "take me as I am" girl that I know and I couldnt love her more for her in your face uniqueness.

8.)....eff this list. it's 1:45....

nigh-chyall.

from your changing contentments...what will you keep for to share?

Well this entry will be a 2.0 version seeing as my first draft was deleted bc technology hates me. This happends everytime I get my words out perfectly, everytime I get into the most mellow zone and I'm ready to write...i get frickin' deleted. Maybe its manifest destiny telling me to "shut the hell up".

Ive been in a very good mood lately. The weather is amazing, so perfect outside. Ive found a beautiful routine Ive settled into nightly...

Crawling into cool crisp sheets, with wet hair to cool my back, neck, and collar. A muted lamp and all my candles lit. The scents of each finally reach me about 20 minutes into whatever I'm doing and creating a feeling I wish I could carry with me all day. Most people know me as high energy and loud mouthed but not always..for the most part I would rather feel very centered, relaxed, mellow.

One of my favorite words to use to describe this feeling is intimate. but not in a way thats sensual or brings an image of lingerie...intimate in a way that is more like the word "familiar". Small details overlooked by others are my favorite thing to fall for. Words and images come to my mind...things like eyelet and lace, light filled images and smells and tastes that I miss, blackberries and honeysuckle grow in Mama's backyard.. I think of that often and feel at home.

It's these quiet moments that I appreciate most. Moments that make me lonely at times, after sharing them for so long and now having to learn to create a sense of comfort and safety for myself. Usually music is a big help to all this...

Pandora radio has been a wonderful thing for me lately. Getting to mix my Neil Young with my Iron and Wine, with my Cat Stevens. I'm finally settling in here I feel like. I'm looking forward to having classes more geared towards my major. Im glad to be able to start grasping at the strings of what I see for myself in the next few years. Thinking of things I want for myself that Ive had enough experience now that I know what not to settle for....

I know someday I want to live in the mountains, hopefully near the ocean as well...which really only could be the "Great Pacific Northwest"...but I know Daddy couldnt stand for me to be that far away so maybe I'll have to settle for something a little more Eastbound. If theres anything that would make my night better at this point (after having listened to wonderful music, with wonderful people) the only thing more a girl could ask for would be a big back deck, perhaps a firepit and some deep conversation. There's nothing I love more in this world then when the planets align in favor of communication and everyone around you is able to express themselves exactly how they mean to be expressed. When you heart is coming right out your mouth without passing through the brain-filter and yet you have no fear of being pushed aside or talked over because the people around you genuinely care and you care for their thoughts,opinions,experienced,and feelings as well.

I'm very happy. "Wildflowers dont care where they grow" - Dolly Parton.

...ope! forgot to mention....I got a tattoo! :D Ive wanted it for awhile and decided the other night to nut up ir shuttup and got five little birds on the inside of my foot. They remind me of seagulls and are flying in every which direction. I feel birds fit me fairly well seeing as my family has all lived so far away from each other..ive been on an airplane every holiday, funeral, wedding, or school break. ive been flying since I was 3 and alone since I was eight. Ive lived in 4 different states and moved from 8 different schools before 7th grade. So...I would say that my mind and body is fit for travel and especially flight.

leechy-gut.

I don't regret a lot in my life. I have no "most embarrassing moment". Usually things roll of my back pretty easily..but I do have guilt in my heart for one thing.

Papa died 5 years ago, and I haven't been to see him. Never seen his headstone. I suppose I could tell myself its not really my fault because Ive been so far away, but Ive come back for visits and we've just "never gotten to it" or "ran out of time". I regret somethings that I know I couldn't change. Like that I was too young to talk to him about things I wish I could have his opinion on now. life, love, faith, character...chemistry. ha ha. He was insanely intelligent. He had more books than Ive ever seen...about everything. He did research for ECU for the environmental health department, he taught on and and off as well...He just wanted to know things. but he was never prideful..... Mammy used to have to go to "wive's parties" and was so embarrased because she felt like she was just a farm girl with no education and he would tell her "everyone wipe's their ass the same way, Joann."...He loved her with more vigor than ive seen since..no Nicholas Sparks book could ever live up to the way he loved her...loved us. He was so strong willed and barrel chested...6'3 and movie star good looks (I think). My grandparents met when Mammy was 15. He left for Alaska when she was 16 and they married when she was 17. He came home 3 weeks early from Alaska after being gone for a year. Mammy and her brothers and sisters had gone to a drive in move and were getting their pajamas on when a knock came to the door. Mammy checked the door, hoping but doubting it would be him...I imagine...because that's how I would be. There he was...with a ring. Huge surprise. I hope I have a surprise like that one day...none of this planning and pressuring that girls my age are so fond of lately.

He was silent some times...most times, sometimes for days...but he laughed alot, and I loved that laugh...

He would take my grandmother and I out for breakfast every morning during my visits and when we'd get out of bed in the morning he would say "there's my girls". In the car he would always put his hand on Mammy's knee without saying a word.

I imagine him as a big redwood tree. Big, strong, wise..but never menacing.

He would do anything for anyone and he was my first impression of what a "good man" is supposed to be. I didn't realize this until after he died but it was like a huge realization that just came over me and i cant even call it anything else but an inexplicable, soulful "understanding" that just ingrained itself into me. The hardest part for me was my birthday this year...we had always planned for me to be out here eventually and Papa always said he's help me with my chemistry if I took it...but his birthday is August 5th and mine is the 15th so during my summer visits we would meet in the middle and have it on the 10th. One time my aunt got us a cake that had horses on one half and fishing on the other. Our birthday. ha ha.

I'm sure he had so much to say about the things that go on in my life. I regret all the time calling the house and immediately asking "Is mammy there?".. instead of talking to him. He wouldn't believe the way she pushes people away. She used to be different.. but in theory, she died with him.

I need to go see him. He's buried in Holdenville but I don't know how to get there by myself. I don't wanna go by myself either, really. But I need to go before I go with Mammy. I need to get it out for myself and talk to him saying what I have to say before I can comfort her...and I don't want her to have to comfort me, but I feel like I should wait. I wanna wait for someone special to go with. Someone who knows the whole story and knows how tender hearted I am and knows that EVERYTHING means something to me..and that the tiniest things can make a lifetime memory for me...because I'll remember my first visit forever. I need someone to go with that's like him...quietly knowing, instantly comforting, and tenderly loving. At least I learned from all this, not to settle for anything else.

hey ladieeees...

http://rediscoveringmyfemininity.blogspot.com/2009/11/girly-assignment-1-women.html


I appreciate this particular bloggers spunk for discovering her inner girly-girl. Thought Id help out her cause...check her out!

soft, cool. acoustic.

i've tender,delicate details.

my symetric middle melanin...

is yellow and pale and scattered some days.

robins egg,ill wait for you with shallowed breath

preffering a firm hand, from the right place.

ill swear to stay soft, and warm...and safe,

as long as you keep my secrets sacred.

pic of the pup

Took some pictures of me and the horse. It was supposed to be a quick snap of a picture to put on a poster so that we can find another home for her. It quickly turned into a wrestle-mom fest. Im secretly trying to hold out until I move into an apartment..Daddy says apartment life isnt really for Layla, but she pretty much is the laziest dog ive ever known...she can run around on the farm if she gets too hyper. Run off that energy. I just dont wanna give up my girl. I need to keep working on her training. She's learned some bad habits that im not proud of.

may I be wweaved in your hair....

Decided that today im going to boycott makeup for an entire month!!! November 5, 2009 to Dec 5th, 2009. I will not be wearing a drop of makeup...no really! I just took a facecloth and took off all may "makeup" and looked at myself and decided it just wasnt good enough...So i took another face cloth and removed every speck...even from in between my eyelashes...(the stuff that never seems to go away)..it's bare and its staying that way. Whatever comes my way in the next month...Holidays, Parties, Concerts, School, Work...WHELP..my face is naked. Let's see what happends.


btw Im starting this while fully aware that I have a blemish on my nose...a bright red one. I know its there. I know you know its there...and im still not putting makeup on it! :D

frick frick frick

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Someday....hopefully tonight....my exposure/f.stop will freaking cooperate with me. So I can learn how to take stargazer shots like this one before this weekend... Even though I TOTALLY realize thats its something I am doing wrong and my camera is in fact not stupid...i still get to complan :P ....and it would prolly help to go buy a cheap tripod seeing as ALL of my lighting equipment and extras are still in AZ. If it works....IF...I'll post the goofy/terrible outtakes I always seem to get before the magic happends ;)

In an old mining town, the ironies lay thick on the ground...

total epic fail for nyquil tonight. Always when I need sleep the most it seems to deny me...bah.

Theres been alot on my mind lately...alot of things I cant change. My mother is always hiding in some lobe or another just waiting to open old wounds. Wishing I was closer to her constantly...Ive always been the one to reach out to her and put for the effort in our relationship. I could wrack my brain for every holiday or every hard time when I could have used a call from Mama. I'm always the one to call though, If I didnt we wouldnt speak at all. Overdramatic statement? nope. Our phone calls started to be less and less worth it when people in my life daily started to know me better than her. Why tell her how my day went when I'd have to explain the past few years of my life and the friends I have and their personalities just to tell a simple story? She'll hurry me off the phone here in a few minutes when she has nothing left to lie about. So I tried not calling for awhile...see how that would go...maybe she would turn around and start trying...but still...every few months I call..bc I know if I didnt...it could go for years. I think the last time i spent more than ten minutes on the phone with her was march of 2008 when I brought my ex on spring break with me to keep from it being akward between her and I!! and that wasnt even on the phone that was face to face....oh and a good face she put on too. She sure is a good mom when she has face to save. I called her for a recipe the other day and realized people on my facebook and I stay more connected than her and I. She hurts me constantly by a lack of doing ANYTHING...and I cant even tell her how I feel...I cant bare to see her hurt. I would tell her that she is irresponsible, immature, and doesnt know who she is...and I would tell her I forgive her after that...and forgive her for forgetting about me...and not trying to get to know me...and she would tell me "FORGIVE ME?...I've done nothing wrong to you." and my heart would break. How odd to feel too vulnerable to speak to your own mother.

Maybe even MORE upsetting is the fact that I LOVE everything about my visits BUT her. I couldnt feel more alive or solid, or grounded when I'm in washington...its RIDICULOUSLY beautiful. My Stepfaher, Bill always takes us camping at Millersylvania state park and plays his flute for us while I take deep breaths of air and make shapes out of the coals in my head. Him and I are closer than would normally allow...seeing as he is the one who my mother cheated on my father with..but THATS WHAT YOU GET when you get married at 19 and try to live a "white picket fence" life!

I got in an argument today with my Dad about how I KNOW I want to teach younger children but arent sure if I want to have any of my own. I just feel like people stay in love longer and have more succesful marriages when children arent involved. I guess this is cynical bc he was pretty upset and called me "weird" a few hundred times. A piece of me would rather have a bunch of dogs rather than kids...but the other piece wants a HUGE family at my thanksgiving family dinner. Lord knows Daddy and I having cornish hens on paper plates in front of the TV isnt the most rewarding holiday experience.

I'd give anything to have a huge, close-knit family...anything to have people laughing and joking and enjoying each other. My birthday was pretty sweet with the 8 of us ( including aunts, uncles, cousins, and...grandparent) a huge rush of "pass this...more that" sitting back and watching this scene id never had before.

like I said..lots on my mind.

- but - anyway-

I found some pictures of areas around my hometown (not taken by me unfortunately) that I thought would be interesting to share.

This is the town I went to HS in...Globe. AZ..as seen from G hill. If the picture were bigger you could see the beautiful catholic church across from safeway and the Center for The Arts building which is over 100 years old

1.) This is besh-be-gowa. These are the largly reconstructed ruins of the apache tribe. Located in the "community center" of Globe, AZ which also houses the pool and the park...these are the christmas luminaries the town puts up every year. I guess everything is prettier when your away from it for so long. 2.) This is the "Apache Drive In Theatre" too many memories to count. 3.)...is pretty self explanitory.

This is in Devils Canyon...and its sad that I can recognize random rock formations and know exactly what part of that windey, two way highway its on! Devils Canyon is in between phoenix and globe...before you get to the well paved highways of Gold canyon

These are the superstition mountains and very familiar territory. All the drives between Tempe and Globe...well really Globe and anywhere west...you were bound to pass the superstitions and hear about the lost dutchman mine...The Gold mine hidden in the mountains, found my an old miner who died before telling anywhere where it is...but if you can find "where the moon shines through the eye of the needle" you may just find yourself a goldmine.

This is University Avenue at night...going towards manzanita dorms as if you were leaving our rental house. This city was my love. two blocks ahead of this picture is Mill Avenue...but this whole area is known as the mill ave district. We used to walk with the other football fans in a sea of Gold and Maroon 4 or 5 blocks from 9th street to stadium ave...cutting through manzanita which you could see in the corner of this pic of it were a bit larger.

The sea and the rythm

Trying to get into an apartment lately has inspired my HGTV-like obsession even more than usual. I can NOT wait to be able to listen to my music and sing while I cook all by myself once again...

Here are some of my favorite sea-based picks from etsy.com ... and also a little Susan Tedeschi thrown in there for ya ;)...perfect thing to bust out singing to...just dont get caught!!!

You can get all this from etsy.com...sorry i slacked on posting the shops of each person :( the ones i remember are ...meowza....littlechickadee....badbird....and thats it :((

Just set up blogger posting from my phone. Which means i can bullshit about my thoughts while slacking off at work all i please

Blog Makeover....

So...if you've ever been here before (which I doubt)..you'll see Ive deleted all my old entries and started new! :D Instead of an emo blog about my days and thoughts..I'm just gonna post things I think are cool. You'll see alot of etsy..the love of my life. You'll see alot of flickr...also my love...and Maybe even pictures of my own ;)

This is a really cool "primitive" style home decor piece. My Grandpa and Daddy always used to sing me this song. I'd love to hang something like this in maybe a bathroom or kitchen? I dig alot of eclectic things so get ready for some random love!

you can buy this at http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=33658114