In an old mining town, the ironies lay thick on the ground...

total epic fail for nyquil tonight. Always when I need sleep the most it seems to deny me...bah.

Theres been alot on my mind lately...alot of things I cant change. My mother is always hiding in some lobe or another just waiting to open old wounds. Wishing I was closer to her constantly...Ive always been the one to reach out to her and put for the effort in our relationship. I could wrack my brain for every holiday or every hard time when I could have used a call from Mama. I'm always the one to call though, If I didnt we wouldnt speak at all. Overdramatic statement? nope. Our phone calls started to be less and less worth it when people in my life daily started to know me better than her. Why tell her how my day went when I'd have to explain the past few years of my life and the friends I have and their personalities just to tell a simple story? She'll hurry me off the phone here in a few minutes when she has nothing left to lie about. So I tried not calling for awhile...see how that would go...maybe she would turn around and start trying...but still...every few months I call..bc I know if I didnt...it could go for years. I think the last time i spent more than ten minutes on the phone with her was march of 2008 when I brought my ex on spring break with me to keep from it being akward between her and I!! and that wasnt even on the phone that was face to face....oh and a good face she put on too. She sure is a good mom when she has face to save. I called her for a recipe the other day and realized people on my facebook and I stay more connected than her and I. She hurts me constantly by a lack of doing ANYTHING...and I cant even tell her how I feel...I cant bare to see her hurt. I would tell her that she is irresponsible, immature, and doesnt know who she is...and I would tell her I forgive her after that...and forgive her for forgetting about me...and not trying to get to know me...and she would tell me "FORGIVE ME?...I've done nothing wrong to you." and my heart would break. How odd to feel too vulnerable to speak to your own mother.

Maybe even MORE upsetting is the fact that I LOVE everything about my visits BUT her. I couldnt feel more alive or solid, or grounded when I'm in washington...its RIDICULOUSLY beautiful. My Stepfaher, Bill always takes us camping at Millersylvania state park and plays his flute for us while I take deep breaths of air and make shapes out of the coals in my head. Him and I are closer than would normally allow...seeing as he is the one who my mother cheated on my father with..but THATS WHAT YOU GET when you get married at 19 and try to live a "white picket fence" life!

I got in an argument today with my Dad about how I KNOW I want to teach younger children but arent sure if I want to have any of my own. I just feel like people stay in love longer and have more succesful marriages when children arent involved. I guess this is cynical bc he was pretty upset and called me "weird" a few hundred times. A piece of me would rather have a bunch of dogs rather than kids...but the other piece wants a HUGE family at my thanksgiving family dinner. Lord knows Daddy and I having cornish hens on paper plates in front of the TV isnt the most rewarding holiday experience.

I'd give anything to have a huge, close-knit family...anything to have people laughing and joking and enjoying each other. My birthday was pretty sweet with the 8 of us ( including aunts, uncles, cousins, and...grandparent) a huge rush of "pass this...more that" sitting back and watching this scene id never had before.

like I said..lots on my mind.

- but - anyway-

I found some pictures of areas around my hometown (not taken by me unfortunately) that I thought would be interesting to share.

This is the town I went to HS in...Globe. AZ..as seen from G hill. If the picture were bigger you could see the beautiful catholic church across from safeway and the Center for The Arts building which is over 100 years old

1.) This is besh-be-gowa. These are the largly reconstructed ruins of the apache tribe. Located in the "community center" of Globe, AZ which also houses the pool and the park...these are the christmas luminaries the town puts up every year. I guess everything is prettier when your away from it for so long. 2.) This is the "Apache Drive In Theatre" too many memories to count. 3.)...is pretty self explanitory.

This is in Devils Canyon...and its sad that I can recognize random rock formations and know exactly what part of that windey, two way highway its on! Devils Canyon is in between phoenix and globe...before you get to the well paved highways of Gold canyon

These are the superstition mountains and very familiar territory. All the drives between Tempe and Globe...well really Globe and anywhere west...you were bound to pass the superstitions and hear about the lost dutchman mine...The Gold mine hidden in the mountains, found my an old miner who died before telling anywhere where it is...but if you can find "where the moon shines through the eye of the needle" you may just find yourself a goldmine.

This is University Avenue at night...going towards manzanita dorms as if you were leaving our rental house. This city was my love. two blocks ahead of this picture is Mill Avenue...but this whole area is known as the mill ave district. We used to walk with the other football fans in a sea of Gold and Maroon 4 or 5 blocks from 9th street to stadium ave...cutting through manzanita which you could see in the corner of this pic of it were a bit larger.