thanks!-giving.

Oh Lordy, I had the best Thanksgiving of my life this year :D The whole family (all eleven of us! lol) was there and Mammy was in a great mood! She even danced with me to the peanut butter jelly song! Emily and Anastasia and I had some girl-talk (which w/ a 13 and 15 yr old consists of boys, boys,boys and self esteem. lol!) in the jacuzzi while staring at the stars. We watched about two seasons of the office as a family too!!! I text Momo last night and we hashed out new moon (which despite my views on the mormon brainwashing of it all...I have to admit I love ALL the men in that movie.)and Im super happy that things are turning around for her. Its time her and I do some wedding planning since we know its come SOONER or later ;)
Daddy took me up around the farm and we finally found "The rock pile" which is so so cool because theres some flat grass just big enough for like one ginormous tent or two medium ones. and a place for a fire and the rocks all serve as benches. plus its back in this grove which makes it super cozy. THEN!!! I saw deer butt. Just hopping through the woods. It may seem silly to people who are used to the country but I was downright excited!!!!
I also got to see this bend in the stream that turns into a little wading pool and its blue and green water makes it look beachy, we saw it from a ledge thats totally covered with cushy leaves and is really secluded so I may have to pull out one of the old journals and go do some writing out there overlooking the stream. It also looks really "perfect fall scene" out there and I'd love to shoot some portraits out there and I have no model. Maybe Emmy (im a fan of nicknames) (and parenthesis) will venture out there with me =) I need to start spending more time and appreciating both my cousins more! Marissa and Emily havent even met! and were all related! anyway...they are the two biggest sweethearts I know and I need girltime bc Ive been super serious and stressed (bitchy?) lately which isnt my style at all!

I played with Layla in the back yard forever and then we snuggled :D
....I also did some Christmas shopping!!! I love love love Christmas! Maybe spending it with the Eaves this year! ♥

SO..This Thanksgiving Im thankful for:

1.) family - which I'm just getting used to having around and I can finally feel that hole in my chest closing.

2.)friends - new and old! Ive met some crazy amazing people since Ive moved here and Im sure Im not making as big of an impact as they are on my life so im super greatful. I really miss Meagan and I wish we still spoke to Nikki but she has just kicked us out and then kicked us out again, anyway Meagan doesnt let people in very easily and im so blessed that I get to be one of the few who are close to her. She's as close to a real sister as I will ever have. She's known me better that alot of my own family has...and I know its the same for her. I cant wait for her to get pregnant and to be a godmother :D

3.) New opportunities. - What's there to lose?



4.) Self-exploration. - nobody knows me here. Im am..not who, but HOW...I show you I am. Ive learned that as warm and compassionate and patient as I thought I was...I could do better. Why is it that Im so reluctant to except love from people who HAVE to love me? Ive always been closer to people who choose to. I really want to turn that around. Daddy and Meagan are the only people I actually feel related to. I'm having to tear down my own walls..walls of circumstance and nature vs nurture. Ive been away from family for so long and YEARNED to have one...spent years wishing there were more people who just KNEW me and my history and my personality, and ive been so so scared, my whole life that I would never get the chance to be close to the people that i actually share blood with. so Im gonna make the best of it...especially with Mammy...as much as she pushes me away and as much as i complain about her sometimes...I feel for her.

5.)this blog! - its been nice getting things out again. I stopped for a long long time and I dont know why.