....I emailed Mama..asking if I should try and come out for Christmas/New years and she wont answer me. Keeps dodging the question. So I text Bill and all he said was "get ready to start writing those letters"...which I think means that they are going to try another rehab attempt, but I wish he would just freaking tell me instead of being all mysterious. He's trying to find a loop hole way of talking to me without her getting mad. A piece of me wants to be there is this happens, see if I can break through to her and we can stop all of this fake bullshit. The one time I tried to call her out on everything and I totally said everything I had to, I even confessed the totally illogical fear to her that Ive never called her out bc I was literally afraid she would stop loving me and cut me out of her life...all she had to do was tell me how bad of a daughter I am.
Every once in awhile she just weighs on my mind and I cant think of anything else. I wish she could just love herself. She has this whole personality of wanting to be seen as strong and a tough chick and even tries to dress and walk like she doesn't give a shit about what anyone thinks, but she DOES...she cares a bunch! She's the most fearful of rejection and of being overlooked as anything I've ever seen. She cries at the drop of a hat and beats herself up constantly...but If she just had the tiniest bit of confidence...I don't know....She makes up these ridiculous stories too about things shes done...like riding in the box of a train all the way to Dallas...and she tries to allude to my Dad hitting her. Which I KNOW he never ever ever did!! He still loves the woman he married, she just doesn't exist anymore and he's stuck in love with someone who never died but isn't real. She's totally irresponsible and...
I don't think I should get into it again. Makes for an awkwardly personal blog and Ive already gone over this.
Another random subject:
Everyone I freaking know is getting married. My two best friends got married before they turned 21. Which I love and Support one of the marriages and the other is a different story....but I feel like people my age are getting married SO SO early, especially in Ada. It seems like people wont do the work that it takes with getting married so early though. Growing up without growing apart....sticking through things and NEVER making a divorce an option. You can't marry someone hoping they'll change..that's what Daddy always drives into my head. There's this phenomenon of turning 26 and marrying whoever your with. I hate that. I hate hearing it from my grandmother and my dad already talking about kids!!! WTF?!?! Anyway...I decided against doing any of the above a long long time ago. I'm willing to wait for something genuine no matter how long it takes. Maybe this is an odd way to explain what I want...but love, to me, at least what I've experienced...wasn't all butterflies and sweaty palms. I could look at him and there were times I could feel what he was feeling just by reading the look on his face. I respected him, and that was the base that loving him grew out of. I could think of the CORE of who he was and respect and love who he was, what he believed, the way he reacts in different situations and the way he was raised. It was a very logical way that I loved him. That's the way I think love should feel. I decided along time ago my wedding was not going to be anything but what that other person and I wanted. I plan on being barefoot..but never ever on a beach... I plan on being outside. I plan on lots of paper lanterns, luminaries, candles and the worlds most amazing soundtrack without ONE single cliche...I don't even want the bridal march. Simple. Get down to what really matters. No spending a house payment!!
I am very happy for Meagan and her marriage though. I love the fact that I can remember being fourteen and giggling about him in the hallway with her...and the fact that they never even dated super seriously before getting married. Things turned out so so right for her in a situation that works out terrible for others and I'm so happy for her and I can't WAIT for her to get pregnant. She's already asked me to be godmother...if anything should ever happen to them that child is mine, just as much as if it came from me. I had no hesitation in telling her this. I miss that girl more than anyone can imagine.
A Washington trip is in order very very soon. I cant feel it in my bones. Hopefully this summer so that we can go straight from the airport to Millersylvania. I think that was my favorite trip ever. I love that place so so much. People are different there, just different. I can feel the land in my core, I could never be as happy and in totally deep "peace be still" mode as I am when I simply take a deep breath in the middle of that mossy forest.
One more thought...
I miss going to church. I wish I could find a place that was simple and gave me the straightforward lesson and let me think about what I wanted to take home from it. I miss feeling connected to God and taken care of by him, I miss a sense of community in church life.
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